I’m going to be honest with you. I’m not going into 2023 with some grand plan. Five days in, and I haven’t chosen my “one word,” nor do I feel confident right now with any of my words. As a writer and a wordy girl, it’s an uncomfortable place to be, but it’s where God has me now.

Wrestling. Wondering why. Why is life so hard? Why is pain so deep?

So, here’s to a little vulnerability in 2023.

I’m struggling.

Struggling to focus.

Struggling to fix my eyes on Jesus.

Struggling to find the right words.

Struggling to find any words.

Not just for this post,

but in response to people’s pain,

in response to lots of change,

and in response to a myriad of things.

2023 is a BIG year for our family. It’s a year I’ve been excited about — joyful and expectant in regards to ALL it holds, but now I’m ALL tied up in the tension of the expectation of it ALL coupled with the guilt of even having the expectation in the midst of ALL the pain and suffering and loss for so many so close to me.

This year, we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, and we’ll celebrate two graduations — one from college, one from high school. The high school grad will be moving 200 miles away to attend college in the fall in another state, so we’ll have three in college at some point this year in three different states. The youngest turns 16 which means ALL will be on the road, and the oldest, who has already been “on his own” for quite some time, will be officially a full time mechanical engineer.

It’s ALL a bit much for the momma heart, and yet, I’m holding the excitement and expectation of it ALL with some sadness, grief, and pain knowing what some so dear to me are experiencing.